Roy's Working Song
by X-Feli-Chan-X
Summary: Roy visits Ed's dorm while Ed's out...Choas insues!  Song-fic, RoyXEd...um Crack? Yes


**Heylo! I'm back again today! (WOW!) This is a...crack-ish fic...(don't picture Roy in a princess dress and tiara...DON'T DO IT!)...(It's what ol' Meep did, she edited it...)**

**I hope you laugh and enjoy! **

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><p>Roy Mustang stood rather angrily outside of the dorm room of a certain blond subordinate of his.<p>

"Edward! Open the goddamn door!"

He was rather pissed off and not to mention worried. The young alchemist was supposed to meet him at his office an hour ago for a lunch date. When he did not show after his usual half-hour-late tendency, Roy's nerves began to fray.

He then ordered his subordinates to come with him to his lover's dorm. They had been standing outside, listening to their superior for ten minutes with no success when Havoc saw a lone paper crumpled on the floor near the door.

"Hey, Boss," Havoc knelt on the floor next to it, picking it up and scanning it before handing the paper upward into his waiting superior's hand. Roy scanned the note over once before actually reading the sloppy writing.

'Roy,  
>Winry and Al surprised me by calling at the train station; I'm sorry I had to miss our date. I'll make it up to you. I should be back home by three o'clock. Feel free to let yourself in.<br>Love,  
>Ed.'<p>

Roy frowned at the note before looking curiously at the doorknob. Reaching slowly, he grasped it. Roy had never once seen the inside of Edward's dorm, not once in the time they had known each other had he even set foot inside. After all, they always met at Roy's office or the restaurant they'd be dining at. And after-date activities always took place at Roy's house.

Roy tightened his grip on the handle before turning it slowly and pushing it open.

Roy and his crew all stood in silence as they peered into the young alchemist's dorm. Roy's frown became more distinct as he marched into the room. Hawkeye huffed a sigh as she stared after her colonel. She shifted her hold of Black Hayate's leash from her right to her left hand as she followed him in.

Breda looked terrified, not because of Black Hayate, but because he knew of what was going to be their impending doom. Fuery and Falman knew of it too, but Breda was the one to voice his fear.

"Do we have to go in?"

"Why? It's just a teenager's dorm," Havoc stated as he started towards the doorway. Just by

looking in from the doorway, it was plain to see that the kid's place was a pigsty. Fuery was the one who stopped him by latching onto his arm.

"You don't understand, do you Jean? We could very well die in there!" Havoc rolled his eyes and pulled his arm from Fuery.

"What are you talking about? I mean, sure, Ed's a teenage male and there is bound to porn magazines of some form somewhere in the dorm, but really, what's going on?"

Falman stepped up this time.

"You mean you don't know of the Colonel's…/obsession/?" Narrowing his eyes, Havoc shook his head. "It's awful! He notices a speck of dirt or dust on his windows, and he /has/ to clean it immediately!" Fuery cried out in a overly dramatic way.

"Havoc, Fuery, Breda, Falman!" The strict voice of their superior officer stopped all explanation and dashed all hopes of escape. The four men filed slowly into the main room, having to shuffle in sideways due to all the clutter. They immediately looked to Hawkeye's face for the verdict. Seeing her pale, and her eyes wary, they prepared themselves for the worst. "Men!" The five subordinates snapped to salutes, Black Hayate moving to a polite sitting position. Roy who had his back to them, turned swiftly around. The four that had witnessed this before took it in stride. Havoc, however, openly gaped.

The four had known from early mornings and late nights at the office, or surprise visits to their homes, that the colonel sprung. Colonel Roy Mustang, Flame Alchemist, former womanizer, only showed this side of him when things were out of order or dirty. For some their weakness is shopping or perhaps cooking and that is when it shines through. But not for Roy. For Roy it comes with…/Cleaning/ of all things.

Roy's eyes were twinkling with determination from the dim light that filtered through dirt-covered windows. Hawkeye broke her salute to turn on the lights, grimacing before returning to her post.

There were boxes everywhere, thick layers of dust covered everything. Through the archway into the small kitchen area, it could be seen that the dishes in the sink were both dirty and piled high in and around the sink, and that the garbage was overflowing. And takeout leftovers were /everywhere/- not just in the kitchen, but in the living room as well. The shelves were stacked with old apple cores and alchemy books covered in dust. To the side of the room, next to a small closet-like door, there was heaps of clothes that were caked with mud.

Taking all this in, Mustang's men collectively gulped.

Opening his arms wide and gesturing around the room as he spun in a circle, their commanding officer sang, "Come, my little friends, as we all sing a happy little working song!"  
>All of them, even Black Hayate sweat-dropped at his sudden change in mood. Roy's dark blue eyes glittered as he looked around the room and back at them rather excitedly. "Merry little voices, clear and strong!"<br>"You've got to be kidding me, he seriously want us to..." Havoc trailed off as he heard the familiar 'click' of Hawkeye's gun.  
>Roy practically skipped toward the hazardous kitchen.<p>

"Come and roll your sleeves up, so we can pitch in~" Reluctantly, they did as he said and crowded into the kitchen, rolling up their sleeves as they walked. Riza had disappeared for a few moments only to reappear with cleaning supplies of all kinds. Roy stopped singing and turned back to face them, a stern look on his face. "Fullmetal's dorm may become hazardous to his health if it is not cleaned soon. It's two o'clock now; if we hurry we can have it done before he gets back! Hawkeye and Black Hayate are on laundry duty. Fuery- bathroom. Falman and Breda- kitchen. Havoc, you shall clean the living room and I shall assist you later. Is that clear, everyone?" The colonel commanded, using his military voice.

"Sir, yes, Sir!" They saluted again and quickly scattered to do their jobs as quickly as possible.  
>Seeing Falman and Breda starting to scrub either the floor or dishes, he sang as he left,<p>

"Cleaning crud up in the kitchen, as we sing along~!"

Next he stopped by the bathroom, seeing Fuery having trouble with the bathtub, he sent him over to the toilet. "Trill a cheery tune in the tub, as we scrub a stubborn mildew stain." And true to his word, he had a sponge in hand and was washing the bottom of the tub. As he continued to clean, he approached the drain. "Lug a hair ball from the shower drain," Tossing it into the nearby wastebasket, before standing up and stepping out dramatically, "To the gay refrain of a happy working song!"  
>Continuing about the bathroom and past Fuery, he continued, "We'll keep singing without fail," stopping for a moment to scrub the sink and mirror 'til they were sparkling. "Otherwise we'd spoil it!"<p>

He peeked out of the bathroom to see how the others were doing, he saw Breda lugging a now empty and soaking wet garbage can back to the kitchen. Nodding his head in approval, he turned back into the bathroom. "Hosing down the garbage pail." He slapped Fuery on the back as he was leaning into the toilet to clean it. "And scrubbing up the toilet~"

Of course, Roy slapped Fuery a little too forcefully and he fell into the bowl. "Ooh!" Roy scuttled out of the bathroom quickly.

Grabbing the vacuum, Roy plugged it in and started following Havoc around the room with it as Havoc dusted the shelves and picked up small trinkets that were on the floor. "How we enjoy letting loose," Roy began as he stopped following Havoc and went a different way, off the cleaned path, "with a little, 'La-Da-Da-Dum-Dum~'" For every syllable Roy sang, there was a loud 'thump' from inside the vacuum. The others all momentarily stopped cleaning to see what it was. Roy was a tad shocked, but continued to sing, "while we're emptying the vac-"

When he opened it, everyone let out a loud, "Um..." before hurrying back to their jobs. Because inside were remains of pictures of Roy and Ed on several of their dates. Roy blushed and quickly went to empty the vacuum. Once he was done emptying the container out the dirt-covered window, he turned back to the others who were all still shocked and plainly staring at him. Breda, Havoc, and Fuery had their mouths hanging open. To all of Roy's subordinates, the window seemed to be a good way to go at the moment.

Trying to encourage them, Roy got their attention by continuing to sing, though he didn't seem to be into it anymore, "It's such fun to hum a happy working song..."

"Oooh," They replied to their superior, their voices deflated.

"A happy working song!" Roy flitted over to what was Edward's bedroom, intending to clean that as well. Havoc went to the wall outside the room to clean all of the mysterious boot-shaped mud-splatters off of it.

As Roy glanced around the messy room, he sighed, "Ohh," at the clothing randomly strewn across it. "How /strange/ a place to be," Roy began to make Ed's bed, fluffing the pillows. "'Til Edward comes for me." Roy dropped the pillow and clasped his hands together under his chin, slightly nuzzling his hand. "My heart is sighing~"

He began to collect the clothes as he continued. "Still, as long as I am here, I guess a new experience could be worth trying~" As Roy finished folding the t-shirts, tank tops, and jeans, and putting them into their respective drawers, he noticed Havoc staring at him from across the hall, his jaw as low as it could go. The wall behind Havoc was dripping wet and a drying rag was hanging loose in his hand.

"Hey!" Roy squeaked as he realized Havoc had been staring at him the entire time. "Keep drying!"

Roy then closed the door behind him as he stepped out into the hall, returning to the kitchen to find Falman and Breda going through the fridge. They were taking out the rotted leftovers and placed them in garbage bags. The sink, however, was left unattended and disgusting even though it was now cleared of dishes. Filling the sink with sudsy water, he sang, "You can do a lot when you've got such a happy little tune to hum." He began to scrub away at the sink with a semi-clean sponge. "While you're sponging up the soapy scum."

After he finished the chore, he skipped away from the kitchen, leaving the sink sparkling and Falman and Breda with wide eyes and open mouths as they finished their job as well.

"Havoc!" The lieutenant snapped out of his dazed shock yet again, to come to his superior's side. He gulped when he saw an evil gleam in Mustang's eyes. "I need you to take these garbage bags down to the curb, seeing as how you are just standing there. We need to hurry, Ed could be home in less than ten minutes!"  
>Roy smirked at Havoc's mildly stunned face, he enjoyed getting revenge on his subordinate for watching him go through Ed's room. He turned and raised his hands to his remaining underlings as Havoc struggled out the door with three over-filled bags. "We adore each filthy chore that we determine!" With a snicker at Havoc's misfortune, he continued, walking back into the main room. "So, even though you're canines/, we're a happy! Working~ song~!"

Hawkeye glowered as she walked past him, a basket overflowing with various dirty clothes. She motioned for Roy to hand her the box of detergent on the end table so she could head down to the laundry room on the first floor. "Singing as we fetch the detergent box~" He handed it to her and watched as she walked out the door. She did not notice as a sock and shirt fell off the pile into a lump on the welcome mat as she continued down the hall.

As Roy reached down to pick them up, he saw Black Hayate heading towards the door to follow his mistress. "Or the smelly shirts, smelly shirts, and the stinky socks!" He tossed both onto the dog's back, ignoring its annoyed whine as he closed the door behind him.

Turning to his subordinates he ordered, "Sing Along!"

However, their half-dead glares caused him to change it. "If you cannot sing, then /at least/ hum along~!"

The remaining three half-heartedly let out low hums, several octaves lower than Mustang. Roy pranced into the living room, not hearing the door reopen as he continued; spinning in the now-open space. "As we're finishing our happy working song~" Roy then collapsed on the couch. With a sigh, he continued, "Ahh, wasn't this fun?"

A moment later, Roy heard a soft choking sound. He sat up and turned around toward the door to see a very shocked, very flustered blond. "R-Roy? What the hell...Are you doing? W-what happened to my dorm?"

Roy's remaining lackeys snuck out behind the stunned Ed to join Hawkeye in the laundry room.

Roy blinked innocently. "Your dorm was clearly a danger to your health; you should really at least try to keep it clean...And you now owe me extra."

"W-what do you mean I owe you?" Edward shouted, flabbergasted.

"Well," Roy stood and began to walk towards Ed. "You ditched me for our lunch date, /and/ I cleaned your place..."

Ed's jaw dropped as he watched Roy saunter toward him. "Now Ed," Roy wrapped an arm around Ed's shoulder, leading him out of the dorm. "When you move in with /me/, you'll be cleaning up your own messes...Like your bed sheets after tonight..." Roy laughed at Edward's growing blush.


End file.
